Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
