Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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