what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
