the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
3 2 1 whiskey
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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