2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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