I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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