You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish you could order shots online.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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