in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
