I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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