Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
