I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
