Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
