the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Are we still banned from the library?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
