Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
