I just pynch a tree in the face
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
