He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
