My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize