Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We're too hungover to prance.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize