hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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