he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
