Do you still have your period?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think I just sharted jello shots
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