You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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