I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
