ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize