my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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