if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
