conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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