Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
COCAINE IS GR8
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize