better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
