it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
