You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think people are normalizing furries
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
