I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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