She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
