remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
