you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
