now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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