Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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