you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
