dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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