Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
