So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
