I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
