I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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