If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
