he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
