I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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