Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
