Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
