If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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