I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
