Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
