I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize