Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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