Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
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