You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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