you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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