Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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