I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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